My rogue novel

I don't know what to do with myself.

Some of y'all, esp from WDC, already know this. You've heard me complain and whine and go on and on about this.

You know about my novel. You've probably read a chapter or two or eight. Whatever I got to. You know the characters. You know the story line--or at least what it was the last time you read it.

This novel of mine will be the death of me. Srsly.

I don't want it to be. It's my baby. My characters are my imaginary friends. I talk with them all the time. They tell me things. I act it out when I'm alone to get the jist of where they're going. To get to know them better.

Yes, I do. Don't judge.

I write out their various scenes. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they tell me "omg, I forgot to tell you about this other girl. She's important. You should totally add her in."

And then I have another character to get to know.

I am not repeat: NOT an outline girl. This doesn't mean I don't get the wonders that are outlines. And don't you dare think I haven't tried. I have. A few times. The beginning is always fantastic and I get totes excited and then

BAM!!

I hit a wall.

WTF, I say? This doesn't work. What's her/his motivation? Does this logically make sense? Will people believe it? Is this something this character would do? Is it even relevant to the story, or can I leave it out? Can it just be quiet and only for me to know as I write the character? Is it stupid or am I just being too hard on myself?

WHAT DO I DO?!?!

I want to be the writer who's totes laid back and says "meh, I don't write outlines. I let the story reveal itself to me."

Mine won't effing do that.

Or when I get an idea of how it'll end, I worry it's even worth reading. Interesting? Thought-provoking?

Please?

I have a complex, y'all. At least it feels that way. I want to write a good story. I want it to be well written. I want people to talk about it. While I have a special place in my heart for Twilight (will discuss later), I don't want to write Twilight. I did, but I don't now. I repeat: I do NOT want to write another Twilight. Ugh.

And then I'll think "oh whatever, if the story is good the story is good."

But I want to be lauded for my writing too.

It's hard to do both for me. And so I'm stuck.

It would help if my characters spoke with me a bit more about how they want this whole thing to end. I have various ideas. I have various things I could integrate into the story. But it either feels like too much or too little. I've considered making short stories, but I haven't figured out how to yet. These are my characters and I'm obsessed. I even created Miis out of them. Which I totally recommend. It's great fun to have your Mii come up to bat on Wii Sports.

*cough*procastination*cough*

It's so bad. My complex should be in the DVM-IV. Though I dunno what it'd be called.

I can't write anything else. It's the most horrible kind of block I've ever experienced. If I could sign up for a creative writing course I SO WOULD. Deadlines help me sososo much.

It's a bit of a schizophrenic kind of thing. So many possibilities. My characters tell me so, so, so much. I don't know what to leave out and what to keep in or add. Who to leave out or keep in. I don't know how to make the story something worth reading. I keep hearing about tension and plot and progression and all of that totally valid stuff, but it's not there. Not that I can see.

And omg, doesn't this YA need a job? Isn't the MCs mama just a bit one-dimensional and, uhm, waaaay too much like my own mom? What about her daddy? The MC herself? Oh gods!

I've tried just writing without worrying. It works for a little while. I want to write a really great rough draft, but I hear that's impossible and SO not worth getting a migraine over. Truth is I don't know what most people's first drafts look like, and I'd like to know that they're all over the place and lacking almost everything but the basic idea.

What if my story sucks. I can't take that. Do you know how long I've had this in my brain? Well, at least two of the characters? One has evolved and even changed names, but my god. Sophomore year in high school. That was nearly fifteen years ago. I have to be nice to myself and consider my ten-year hiatus and the fact that everything to do with these characters and this story is all ripped up and all I've left is memory, but still.

Do you know how many drafts I've written of the first few chapters? RIDICULOUS.

I know I need to trust the story. I try to. Really. I just get caught up in stupid stuff. It took a long ass time to get the stink of Twilight off me, and in a few microscopic ways it's still there.

Still, you'd love my characters. I do.